Sexual Health
Resources and Data for a Healthy Lifestyle
Honesty + Transparency = Safety
The ENM community needs to be more proactive about sexual health than the general population, for obvious reasons. We love sex and love having sex! Staying sexually healthy means more opportunities to keep enjoying it. So naturally, compared to the vanilla dating scene, those living the ENM lifestyle have:
- Higher STI testing frequency
- More consistent safe sex with prophylactic use
- Better communication around risk and recent partners
As a result, and contrary to what the conventional vanilla thinking might be, responsible ENM lifestylers have significantly lower STI and transmission rates per partner than the general population dating pool. Don't believe us? Let's drop some science on you:
- Conley et al. (2012–2017): Found that people in ENM relationships had similar or better sexual health outcomes compared to monogamous individuals, largely due to higher transparency and safer sex practices.
- Lehmiller (2015, Kinsey Institute): Polyamorous individuals were more likely to use protection and communicate about STIs.
Let's Be Real About STIs
In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to worry about getting sick from simply having sex (or catching a cold, the flu, or COVID from going grocery shopping!). We do not live in a perfect world and living any normal, healthy lifestyle exposes you to germs and potential infections every day.
While science has made great strides in many areas of sexual health, such as treatments and prevention around the AIDS epidemic, other more common STIs such as gonorrhea & syphilis are on the rise in many areas of the world and can be very damaging if not taken seriously. The good news is you can significantly reduce your risk of infection by being knowledgeable, practicing safe sex, and communicating with current and prospective play partners.
The Public Health Agency of Canada has thoughtfully put together this great summary page of STI causes, symptoms and treatments. While it's a bit out of date from 2020, the information is very good and easy to digest. Read it and understand the risks so you can avoid them. Thanks Canada! 🍁
Current Risks and Trends
It's important to be aware of and understand the statistics and trends of your local community, and any community that you or your partners play in. Use our Sexual Health Trends & Facts page to stay informed on your region:
Your Responsibility
If you are active in the ENM lifestyle, you have a responsibility to help keep the community safe. Those who don't take care of their own sexual health can't be trusted with anyone else's, and usually don't find much success living this lifestyle. Things you should be comfortable doing:
- Testing regularly for STIs, every 3-6 months depending on your activity level, number of partners, and those partners' levels of risk,
- Using condoms, liberally (e.g. change condoms between different partners in the same play session/area),
- Having frequent and VERY honest conversations with all current and potential partners about your activity levels, number of partners, and overall risk factors.
Where Can I Get STI Testing?
Finding reliable and affordable STI testing can be a real challenge, depending on where you live, prevailing attitudes and funding geared towards sexual health in your area. Here are some tips gleaned from PLAD8 community Slutty McSlut lifestyle veterans:
Find a Primary Health Care Advocate
Start a conversation with your primary care provider on your next regular visit about your exploration of ENM.
Gauge their reaction to the topic: if they seem comfortable discussing the topic and associated risks with you based on science and evidence, most importantly while being supportive and not judgmental, chances are you have a good sexual health advocate in your provider. Continue explaining your intended/current activity levels, and be especially clear about group play. If you're participating in group parties where things can and do get "messy", your provider needs to understand that.
Gauge their reaction to the topic: if they seem comfortable discussing the topic and associated risks with you based on science and evidence, most importantly while being supportive and not judgmental, chances are you have a good sexual health advocate in your provider. Continue explaining your intended/current activity levels, and be especially clear about group play. If you're participating in group parties where things can and do get "messy", your provider needs to understand that.
Have an honest conversation about risks based on evidence. Ask questions about current STI trends in your local community. Request a standing order for regular STI testing. Not all insurances will cover STI testing at the frequency a lifestyler should be testing at; be prepared to pay out of pocket to cover any gaps.
If your provider seems uncomfortable or negative about the topic, find a different provider, immediately.
Unfortunately, we've heard many horror stories from members that have had uninformed, uncomfortable, or worst case, judgmental, health care providers. A provider like this will often fail to address the risks, prevention and treatment approaches that healthy ENM practice requires. Remember that physicians are human and subject to their own biases and beliefs just like the rest of us, and ENM is not a mainstream practice (yet!). It is very important to find a provider whose biases and beliefs accept and align with your unique sexual health goals.
Unfortunately, we've heard many horror stories from members that have had uninformed, uncomfortable, or worst case, judgmental, health care providers. A provider like this will often fail to address the risks, prevention and treatment approaches that healthy ENM practice requires. Remember that physicians are human and subject to their own biases and beliefs just like the rest of us, and ENM is not a mainstream practice (yet!). It is very important to find a provider whose biases and beliefs accept and align with your unique sexual health goals.
Recommended Testing Providers & Options
USA
- If your insurance provides coverage, going through your primary care provider is often the most affordable route and best for establishing a baseline history. However, this can take longer to schedule than out of pocket options.
- Planned Parenthood - Generally the most knowledgable on local STI trends and well versed on appropriate testing for ENM. Often delayed scheduling due to current politcal climate and funding challenges. Support your local branch!
- STD Check - A convenient and affordable option preferred by many McSluts (we should approach them for a sponsorship!). You can order your own tests online, they then match you with labs local to your area, results are available within a few days.
Self-Advocate for Proper Diagnosis & Treatment
As one example, STIs do not just affect genitals! You would be surprised how many medical providers overlook oral testing. We will illustrate the importance of this point with a very rare but very real experience shared by one of our member couples, called "Bob" and "Alice" for this story:
Bob attended a lifestyle party one weekend with his wife, Alice. They played with a few different couples and singles, using condoms for penetrative sex, but not for oral sex. A week or so afterward, a number of attendees became ill with similar symptoms of sore throat and mild fever. At the same time, one of the other party attendees "Charlie" who was not symptomatic happened to get one of their regular STI tests done, and surprisingly tested positive for gonorrhea. They immediately informed the party hosts, who in turn immediately informed all the attendees.
While Bob and Alice hadn't even spoken with Charlie, they couldn't be sure they didn't play with someone who had played with Charlie. And Bob had a wicked sore throat. Bob went to get tested and asked for presumptive treatment, as did Alice. But they had wildly different experiences at the clinic. Alice's provider treated her immediately, no questions asked, because of the secondary exposure to someone with a positive result. Bob's younger, less experienced, and more conservative medical provider, however, told Bob that the odds of his contracting it based on not having sex with Charlie were almost zero, and was very confident the sore throat was either strep or a common cold virus. So the provider initially ordered only a throat swab for strep and a urine test for gonorrhea.
Bob could tell the provider didn't quite understand how "messy" group play can be at a lifestyle party, and didn't feel like getting into explicit detail. He also knew gonorrhea could rarely be spread orally. So he persisted in asking for an additional throat swab test for gonorrhea, despite the medical provider's doubts.
The strep test throat swab was negative. The urine test for gonorrhea was negative. The gonorrhea throat swab came back... positive! The medical provider unfortunately did not handle it well and begrudgingly ordered treatment for Bob without saying much more. However, because Bob knew the latest research on gonorrhea, he could effectively advocate and receive proper testing and treatment that would have been missed with the standard health care playbook. The infection would have progressed further for no reason.
All of the attendees who had engaged in play sought immediate care and testing, with a variety of responses from providers. A few other attendees tested negative, at least one other tested positive, and many were just treated without being tested. All the attendees learned the latest facts about gonorrhea, and used that knowledge to be relentless self-advocates for their sexual health with their respective providers. Ultimately, everyone who engaged in any play at the party was treated.
Because of the swift communication, decisive action, and advocacy of everyone involved, there hasn't been another case of gonorrhea in Bob and Alice's sizeable community of swingers in many years since. It's also the only outbreak Bob and Alice are aware of in over 20 years of active ENM practice, which has included attending countless parties, events and visits to lifestyle clubs all over the world.
Honest + transparent play = More safe fun for everyone!
I Have an STI, Now What?
Don't Panic!
Do NOT feel ashamed.
You should feel about as much shame as you would for catching a cold because you went out to eat at a restaurant! Enjoying life means colds and flus and yes, STIs, happen to ENM people and vanilla people alike! The vast majority of STIs are easily treatable if detected early, again highlighting the importance of regular testing.
Do NOT feel ashamed.
You should feel about as much shame as you would for catching a cold because you went out to eat at a restaurant! Enjoying life means colds and flus and yes, STIs, happen to ENM people and vanilla people alike! The vast majority of STIs are easily treatable if detected early, again highlighting the importance of regular testing.
Where To Find STI Treatment
- If you have a high fever (103 F or higher), severe nausea, debilitating headaches, loss of vision, difficulty breathing, or any symptom that could potentially be life-threatening, go the nearest Emergency Department or Urgent Care immediately!
- If your symptoms are not urgent, Primary Care is usually the best option for treatment, if your primary provider is a good sexual health advocate as described above.
- Planned Parenthood - Testing AND Treatment! They will not judge you and are genuinely concerned with keeping the community healthy and sex positive!
- Your local Public Health providers. Public health facilities often have walk-in policies for urgent STI treatment and testing needs.
Communicate Immediately
Once you have a confirmed positive test result, immediately inform anyone that may have been exposed to your infection. This is the most critical step to prevent and reduce the spread of any STI. Your local community will be grateful and supportive if you communicate quickly and honestly; keeping it to yourself will have the opposite effect.
- First, understand the timeline of your specific infection, especially the exposure and incubation periods.
- Inform any partners you had sexual contact with during that exposure and incubation timeline.
- If a party/group was involved, communicate to the hosts the details of risk to any attendees, and provide your contact so others can get in touch with you directly if needed.
- If you were the host of a party or event where an exposure is known, it is your responsibility to let all attendees know.
Other Topics
Have ideas for other sexual health topics to cover here? Let us know through any of our Support channels. We are here to support the ENM community and we'd love to hear from you!